Super Tuesday Surprise: Leading Minsk Newspaper Endorses Candidates in US Presidential Race

Justin E. H. Smith

In what spokespeople for both parties are calling an act of "unprecedented interference," a strongly pro-government newspaper in the authoritarian republic of Belarus has offered its own endorsements in the US presidential primaries.  Analysts contend that this operation was likely directed by president Aleksandr Lukashenko himself, and was meant to serve as a critical response to the international community's past efforts to monitor elections in Belarus.  The US government and the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe strongly denounced as illegitimate the 2006 Belarus elections, in which Lukashenko received more than 80% of the vote and opposition parties were not permitted to campaign.  As of press time, the Belarus embassy in Washington has refused to offer any comment on the endorsements. 

*

From Belaruskija Naviny (translated by the Belarus Information Agency):

Minsk (BIA) 1 February, 2008-- In America, there are not strong leaders like Aleksandr Grigorevich Lukashenko, who come into power, and stay in the power.  The only president in American history to have held on his power more than two terms was Franklin Roosevelt.  And he was cripple!  He stayed long because of war-time situation, not strength.

But every four years, the parties make their best effort.  This year, because of failed war in Iraq and weak leadership of George W. Bush, the American people are going in for politics like never before in their history.  Participation in the political life of the country is up 32% from its historic low in 2004. This upswing is most notable among the young-people of America, many of whom have at long last removed their walkman headphones to "tune in" to their nation's future. 

What choices are the Republican and Democratic parties offering them?

At this present, the Republican ("Grand Old") Party has three candidates in competition: the Christian retail-store magnate and "healthy life-style" advocate Mike Huckabee, whose business practices were subjected to critique already in American independent cinema production "I Heart Huckabee" (2005); Mitt Romney, governor of State Utah and elder of Mormon church, which until Lukashenko's bold measure against foreign missionary-activity was responsible for the common sight on the streets of Grodno and Brest and Vitebsk of clean and polite young Americans, speaking Belarusian like mother tongue, and promoting their heretical sect to our villagers like we were pagan Indians; and finally, John McCain, senator of City Phoenix and number-one opponent of current president George W. Bush within Republican party.

The Democrats have now only two candidates who stand to chance against this powerful phalanx: Barack Obama, senator of City Chicago and nephew of Saddam Hussein; and Hillary Rodham Clinton, organizer of popular solidarity-building women's breakfasts for discussion of hair-hygiene and of place of woman in American politics, and only official wife of number-one enemy of Serbs and all Slavic peoples, Bill Clinton. 

Let us have a look at the Democratic candidates first.

Even in Soviet times we had saying: "The Woman: it is also Person!"  In Belarus, we have many women in political offices.  For example, Nadezhda Kholstyak is undersecretary of Dairy and Eggs, and Academician Elena Ostrovskaya is ad hoc advisor for the problems relating to Chernobyl Incident.  In Belarus, we are not afraid of a woman in place of power.  Now Hillary Clinton had eight years already in White House.  During that time, she set herself one goal: the creation of new polyclinics throughout America, for the promotion of health and hygiene, from Poultry Processing Plant "John Tyson" in State Missouri to High Technology Cybernetics Park "Bill Gates" in State Washington, to public high school "Martin Luther King" in City Oakland.  But how many polyclinics emerged from her time in the White House? There are no more polyclinics in America now than during Great Depression. Instead Clinton left America with the "health's management organizations," with queues of length we have not seen in Belarus since Great War for Fatherland, and costs that are sure to make any patient "sick." Americans should be asking to Candidate Clinton: where are the polyclinics?  Where can I go for antibiotics or a mustard plaster when I fall ill?  Where can I go to pasteurize my children?   

It is known that Barack Obama hoped to "jump-start" his campaign through "community services" in Chicago.  But what sort of services did he provide?  Did he promote physical culture to Chicagoans?  Did sport, leisure, and tourism receive a boost from his bold efforts?  Do more Chicagoans go in for patriotic games now than before?  The answer is a three-times "no."  Yet it cannot be denied that Americans have enthusiastically embraced Barack Obama's color.  As a result of Candidate Obama's bold hue, white Americans are now going in for black Americans at unprecedented levels.  Racial good-will is up 56% since its historic low in 1813, and if Obama is elected president we can count on seeing many Centres for the Friendship of the Peoples "Barack Obama" in future.  These are something we would surely like to see, and for this reason we endorse Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination.

What about the Republican candidates?  What bold initiatives do they go in for? 

As business tycoon, Mike Huckabee has actively promoted physical culture in State Arkansas.  He has personally created 17 Centres of Physical Culture "Mike Huckabee", and has motivated the youth of State Arkansas to go in for sport with unprecedented vigor.  It is now estimated that as a result of his effort, 68% of Arkansans are engaged in physical culture in some way.  He is also author of dietetic book with title, Stop to Dig Your Grave with the Knife and the Fork!.  (By the by, Huckabee himself is said to have lost over 50 kilos on his own diet plan.) Now we Belarusians go in for physical culture with great vigor, as our world-class performance in Olympic Games and in European football competition shows.  The members of the national sport teams are the pride of the country.  But we have saying: "Who makes sport, he has 'Olympic-sized' appetite."  What about Huckabee?  Would he not eat a pig's foot in aspic after making daily sport routine?  Would he not spread goose fat on his craquelins, not even "on a lark"?  How would his healthy regime go over, we wonder, at a state dinner with President Lukashenko? 

In the spite of the fact that he is Mormon, Mitt Romney has taken firm stance against polygamy and dianetical therapy.  To Romney's credits, he is Mormon of the future: in his State, teaching of Belarusian tongue is up 34% since its historic low in 1960, and monogamy has also risen to historic levels. Under Mitt Romney's presidency, America would witness bold initiative for creation of Palaces of Marriage Between One Man and One Woman "Mitt Romney". Now in Belarus, we are in vanguard of religious pluralism, with many Christian sects, some Muslim descendants of the Lipka Tatars, and even some Jews!  But we would not elect president who believes preposterous things, like that angels dictated book of Mormon to Joseph Smith in motel in State New York and that God has personally blessed University "Brigham Young" with top-ranking scientists and academicians.

John McCain is gray eminence of this campaign and is also highly decorative war hero.  As POW he was kept in box by cruel torturers for five years.  Some say he is "Manchurian Candidate," but little do they know he was soldier in Viet-Nam.  We are sure that he learned important lessons while prisoner of Viet Cong, and that he is now ready to boldly take the initiatives required to be great president of America.  We thus strongly endorse John McCain for the Republican nomination. 

--

For an extensive archive of Justin Smith's writing, please visit www.jehsmith.com.

Comments

[Abbas Raza]

Too frickin' funny, man! Robin (Al Zawahiri's nephew) and I are now batting your lines back and forth endlessly to Margit's amusement.

[bingobangoboy]

At times it's hard to believe it's not satire, yet amazingly certain paragraphs wouldn't seem out of place in the writings of mainstream political pundits over here.
On another note, I nominate "The Woman: it is also Person!" as line of the week.

[Asad Raza]

Man am I jealous of your ear.

[JonJ]

Yep, that about sums up the situation. Congrats.

[Robert]

Racial good-will is up 56% since its historic low in 1813, and if Obama is elected president we can count on seeing many Centres for the Friendship of the Peoples "Barack Obama" in future.

Yes indeed, who could forget 1813? Certainly was a bad year for racial unity. Tobias Rutledge, the famous antebellum pollster, was quoted as saying, "Racial good-will?"

Seriously, where did that number come from?

[Marco]

Who knew that the Onion's writers were moonlighting for a Belarus newspaper?

[Elatia Harris]

Justin, they need this character on The Daily Show. Could you personally dress up and go on, as well as mimic in writing? Could be your route back from the Leibniz Archive...

[Jill]

Everyone has a Borat impression these days.

[Otis]

This has to be satire, right? There's no way this could be real!

[Justin]

To Asad: I've spent a lot of time around Central and East-European broken-English speakers. Eventually, I've come to be a sort of non-native speaker of broken English myself.

To Jill: Educated readers will know that Borat was but a recycling of themes from Montesquieu's Persian Letters, that the figure of an oriental naïf commenting on Western ways is a rich and inexhaustible source of satire, and that anyway I've been doing this schtick much longer than Baron-Cohen.

[Abbas Raza]

When will you people learn not to fuck with Justin?!

He gets busy, Mo!

[Jill]

that the figure of an oriental naïf commenting on Western ways is a rich and inexhaustible source of satire

Oh yes, the world is educating me on this fact. I'm given lessons nearly every day. By groups of teenagers in supermarkets, by mirthfully animated strangers on the metro, and now on 3QD! My most frequent instructors are my pubescent cousins to whom broken English is the humor of the gods. I don't think they trace their satirical lineage to 18th century France, but I do vaguely recall our grandmother exposing us to Mickey Rooney a time or two.

Wawa wee wah!

[Jim H.]

"In the spite of the fact that he is Mormon, Mitt Romney has taken firm stance against polygamy and dianetical therapy."

Brilliant stuff. Satire really is capable of saying so much more than it seems on its face by making swift connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena. I look forward to checking out your site, dude.

[Simon F.]

A couple of funny translation errors:

Americans should be asking to Candidate Clinton: where are the polyclinics? Where can I go for antibiotics or a mustard plaster when I fall ill? Where can I go to *pasteurize* my children?

John McCain is gray eminence of this campaign and is also highly *decorative* war hero.

[Ken]

Simon:

Perhaps you are at another level of satire, but I don't believe there was a translation error regarding McCain. For me, the funniest sentence in this brilliant piece is:

"John McCain is gray eminence of this campaign and is also highly *decorative* war hero."

For 25 years, I have been continually amazed at McCain's successful political career. Even though this is satire, the adjective "decorative" is perfect to describe McCain's use of his war record in campaigns -- as in, ornamental, cosmetic, not essential to the primary purpose.

I would not wish five years as a prisoner-of-war on anybody, but McCain has overplayed this part of his biography. What have you done lately, John? What are you going to do tomorrow?

Years ago, I had several meetings with McCain on political issues, up close and personal. If McCain becomes president, and I believe that's a possibility, there will soon be a time when we look back wistfully at the golden years of George W. Bush.

[JonJ]

Ken: On the other hand, Pres. McCain could be just what it takes to set off a real explosion of left grass-roots activity.

(Always looking for the silver lining.)

[Ruchira]

Senator McCain was asked by a young boy at a rally if he is too old to become president.

His gracious reply: "Thanks for the question, you little jerk!"

Thanks for a very funny essay, Justin Smith. Out of the mouths of babes ... or foreigners.

[Peter Chapman]

"Where can I go to pasteurize my children? "
There you have it; the question that dare not speak its' name. And what do the candidates have to say? America is waiting for an answer of some sort or another.

Frankly Dude, I would have lived a happier life had I never read your post so I'll just have to settle for it being unbearably richer and deal with the consequences. Thank You Justin... I really mean it man...thank you.

[Winslow Theramin]

Foreigners are so funny!

I wonder if this would make any more sense if it was translated by someone who actually knew the language.

[Sam]

This is hysterical and over the top, but...
In a provincial culture, with small audiences for speakers on pulpits, this IS the level of discourse (and misinformation).
For me it was funny only up to the point i realised that i know people who can actually talk like this. Its just that most educated people dont ususally come across them.
This is just a personal monologue dressed up as a newspaper report - in the provinces they dont know better...sad, not just funny

[Spanky]

"What about Huckabee? Would he not eat a pig's foot in aspic after making daily sport routine"

Well, what about it Mainstream Media? Has any of you got the guts to put this question to the candidate? Or are you all afraid of him because he is such a 'business tycoon'?

[gregory]

this sounds exactly like american newspapers writing about eastern europe and russia, the same ignorance of nuance, let alone accurate reporting

[Lynne]

Remember, anyone who speaks English with an accent knows at least one other language that you probably don't. Americans are so arrogant,and for no good reason.

[Vicki Baker]

"I am Aleksandr Lukashenko, and I approved this message."

[Chris Schoen]

Senator McCain was asked by a young boy at a rally if he is too old to become president.

His gracious reply: "Thanks for the question, you little jerk!"

Is possible? John McCain is rebirthnik of W.G. Fields?

[dimuzon]

I think it works the other way as well:

V Amerika, bil ochen velikiy vibori v "Klassyi Vtornik". Drugiye mesta zemli, eto prazdnik "Tolstaya Vtornik", no samiy vazhnoye u nas vibori. Za perviy raz v istoria, president mozhet stanet zhenshina ili akrikanskoye-amerikanetz. Mi blizko smotreli kak drugoe mesta zemli eto uzhe proboval, i seychas gotov zamenit belyi muzhshina! Neskolko govorit shto nash ekonomika padayet v othod - no glavno shto skoro ne nuzhen inostrannyi maslo, tak kak mi delayem kukuruznuyu vodku - i ne zabit shto mozhno vsegda rasplavit monety yesli velikaya dollar padat bolshe.

Lukashenko sends his regards.

[Justin]

Dimuzon, That looks like a (very poor) machine translation to me. Adjective-noun gender agreement is wrong in almost every instance (e.g., "tolstaya vtornik," "nash ekonomika"), and most nouns are left in the nominative, without any stab at declension (e.g., "V Amerika"). Where did you get this?

[Vicki Baker]

Justin, isn't it deliberate "broken Russian?" Sometimes our own dear leaders and their helpers have translation problems, as when Jimmy Carter expressed his sexual desire for the Polish people.

[dimuzon]

Yes Vicki - indeed my post was a response to the deliberate broken English in the above Belarus "article". And Justin, your compliments on the authenticity of my rendition of broken Russian are deeply appreciated.

[Abbas Raza]

I thought the whole point was to produce brilliantly broken English that is funny to English speakers in Justin's case. Is your broken Russian funny to Russian speakers, dimuzon? Or just boringly broken and obviously produced by a translation engine?

Comedy is not so easy to write.

[Justin]

In Dimuzon's defense, now that I see what he was trying to do, I have to say he's done a pretty good imitation of broken Russian. When I was studying in Leningrad a fellow American --from Reno-- once confided in me: I'm just not going to bother with the cases. There are too many of them, and everyone will understand me if I stick to the nominative anyway. Also, "Tolstaya vtornik" as a gloss of "mardi gras" (or should I say "mardi graisse"?) is very good.

[dimuzon]

Abbas - while I can't speak for everyone as to whether my broken russian had the comical impact that was intended, i am a native russian speaker and have heard a lot of foreigners butcher it worse that even I wrote. Hope you enjoyed it Justin.

[Vicki Baker]

Is true what they say: russkii yazyk - trudnii yazyk.

Also true what dimuzon is writing, about readiness of progressive American people to elect white woman as president.

[RXDIGG]

Category Antibiotics
http://neededpills.com/order_antibiotics_en-us.html
Buy Generic Bactrim (sulfamethoxazole and trimethoprim)
http://neededpills.com/buy_bactrim_en-us.html
What is Bactrim (sulfamethoxazole and trimethoprim)?
Bactrim contains a combination of sulfamethoxazole and trimethoprim and is supplied in tablets and a liquid suspension. Sulfamethoxazole and trimethoprim are both antibiotics that treat different types of infection caused by bacteria.
Bactrim is used to treat ear infections, urinary tract infections, bronchitis, traveler's diarrhea, and Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia.
Our official website http://www.NeededPills.com/